My Procrastinator Maker

           My wedding’s coming up in just over a month, so quick! Causing a bit of stress around the household. As I’m filling out the invites I come to the ones for some of my cousins, with whom I was once quite close. I invite them with little hesitation, even though we had been estranged for several years now.

            I have quite a few cousins, almost a dozen first cousins alone, but two of them were personal close friends too, S and A. I’d grown up with these girls. We were close in age and got along great. We had many Christmases together, many summer vacations and camping trips. We’d hike through the woods, gossip and chatter, play games, and tease our younger brothers. Our parents would swap children during the summer, with each set taking either us or our brothers for a few weeks each year. Those girls were the best friends I could have, and such a group we made, though the two girls couldn’t have been more different.

S was the older one, a bit more bookish, with square glasses and straight brown hair, more the type to stay home and watch a movie than party, and though A was a bit awkward when she was younger, with a wide mouth like a frog’s, she eventually grew into a tall, confident beauty with long blond hair and a magnetic personality that drew her many admirers.

I thought we’d grow up and have families and continue the tradition of swapping our kids, but instead we grew apart as we became adults. I don’t blame A for this, her beauty, intelligence, and strong social skills have taken her far. She went to school to become an engineer, one of the few girls in her class at the time, and has since worked all over the world. She’s been all over Canada, a good chunk of the States, even across the ocean. She’d stay in touch if she could, but she leads an obviously full life. Every time I hear of her she’s somewhere else, meeting new people, doing new things. Wonder if she’ll ever settle down, or if she is too in love with her new life to ever slow up?

S was a bit more complicated. At times I felt a little closer to S as I was also the type to rather stay home and watch a movie than go out. We would discuss books and movies and when she hit college she would tell me about the strange books she had to read for her English classes. But it was also around this time that our relationship really began to fall apart.

But it really started back when she was still in high school, when she asked a friend from her social circle to be her date for prom, and he said yes. This was T, her future husband. He was much like S physically, with his thick glasses and nerdy feel. He looked smart, and was smart.  When I first heard of T I was very happy for S. I happened to be at her graduation and as I watched the two dance, eyes locked, I felt I saw real love, right there. But, unfortunately, T was not the cute shy nerdy boy I thought he was.

Flash forward two years. I have just graduated high school and decide to visit S and A, whom by now had moved out together into a small townhouse, for a few weeks before I got a job and joined “the real world.” It was not the most pleasant of visits, as I was usually alone. A was working 14 hour days, 6 days a week at a Styrofoam factory. I’d never see her but I knew she’d come home when I saw the little Styrofoam balls leading from the front door to the bathroom. She also often crashed at the house of a friend’s whom lived closer to her job. She was non-existent, but again I didn’t blame her. She did try to spend her days off with me, few that they were.

S was a different story. She worked 9 to 5 hours at a local second hand store, and came home every night. Seeing I was there only a few weeks I thought it’d be nice if we could hang out, watch some movies, something like that. But she had different plans. As in she’d rather have her boyfriend T over. Every night. And when T was around, I was treated like a piece of furniture. Every night. They would have makeout sessions and tickle fights right beside me. I put a pillow over my ears, an obvious sign of discomfort, but they didn’t notice or care, and went on ignoring me while they tongue wrestled. EVERY. NIGHT.

I didn’t start out disliking T, at first I’d just assumed he was shy, heck I was shy myself, but I tried to be friendly. He’d loaned S his N64 and I’d taken to playing Zelda: Ocarina of Time during my long days alone. I’d been a longtime fan of the Zelda 64 games, and since it was his game I assumed he liked them too. Finally, a topic we could discuss to break the ice between us! So I gathered my courage and decided to make him my friend! The conversation went like this.

Me: Hey thanks for leaving your N64 here, it’s been great for killing time while S and A are at work.

T: Mmm-hmm.

Me:  Legend of Zelda is the one I’m playing right now. Hey have you ever played its sequel, Majora’s Mask? Probably one of my, if not my favourite, games of all time.

T: Majora’s Mask? No never played it. I heard it sucked.

Then T, deciding the conversation was concluded, got up and left. Meanwhile I stayed sitting on the floor near the N64, completely dumbfounded about what had just happened.

Part 2 another day.

From the time I was thirteen onward I was convinced that I was an ugly girl. Oddly this didn’t hurt my self esteem as much as it did other girls. It was just sort of an accepted fact that I was ugly and didn’t dwell on it too much, preferring to read books, draw, play video games, ect, instead of trying to be girly and snag a boyfriend like all the other girls in high school were doing.

Though it did have some effects on my personality. I was painfully shy and didn’t think anyone would ever want anything to do with an ugly girl like me. Any guy showing interest in me was just me “misunderstanding” his motives. Now that I’m older and more self confident I can look back and think that maybe that hot college English teacher that tripped over his own tongue every time he spoke to me may have done so because he found me attractive.

And the moment I was convinced I was ugly at thirteen? I know the exact moment it happened.

I was in gym class with my middle school peers. I sat on a bench with a boy named Kyler, a semi-popular, semi good looking boy who was all little bastard. Between us sat a basket of gym supplies, either bean bags or colored shirts for identifying teammates. I have always been a rather friendly gal so I tried to chat with him. It went wrong fast, and something like this:

Kyler: Ugh, don’t talk to me!

Me: ???

Kyler: Cuz you’re so friggin’ ugly! I don’t want   to be seen talking to someone ugly like you!

Me: D:>

Kyler: I mean, you’re so ugly I bet Freddy Krueger would be scared of you!

Even though my thirteen year old self didn’t even know what Freddy Krueger was yet, I knew I had been insulted, and shoved the basket into him. He made “oooh” noises, mocking me for my outburst. And from then on, I was convinced I was an ugly girl, I mean, someone had just told me I was ugly, right? And my family moving around a lot those days, making it difficult to make good friends, did not help.

It’s been eleven years now, and I’ve matured a lot since then. I realize that Kyler had likely thought up the insult awhile ago, and was just chomping at the bit to use it on someone, anyone, didn’t matter who. I no longer think I’m ugly, and having a guy treat me like I’m the center of the universe doesn’t hurt. I’ve also learned that attracting people has less to do with looks and more to do with radiating self confidence and kindness. And maybe a little bit of helplessness. Dudes love helping chicks. :P

In the end I’m a much happier person, knowing I’m not ugly, but I don’t feel I lost a lot by being convinced I was ugly, except a lot of dates, but the few times I’ve dated I thought it was lame anyways, except with my one true love of course. But it’s amazing how one little insult can really change a person’s perspective on themselves. So be nice to each other y’all.

Ok gonna rant about a book I just quit because it I got fed up with it. The reason it made me so mad was because it started out so, so good! A girl named Saba, her beloved twin brother, father, and little sister live in the middle of nowhere in this dystopian desert place. One day out of the blue some men come and kidnap her brother and kill her father, and Saba vows to find them. As she’s travelling she herself gets captured and forced into cage fighting other women for entertainment. All the while the Cagemaster in charge of this is making creepy advances on her, Saba’s captors are weird yet interesting characters, and the Cagemaster’s main guard is a dark, handsome, mysterious man with his own agenda and an unusual interest in her. But also was interesting watching Saba have to learn to work with her young sister, whom she grew up blaming for their mother’s death because she died in childbirth with her, and now finds her not only in charge of the nine year old’s welfare, but also learning to work with her to overcome their various problems.

I was excited! Couldn’t stop listening to the audiobook! Losing a cage fight could mean death after all. As well Saba was an interesting, yet flawed character that I fell in love with.

Then came along Jack.

Now Jack is Saba’s one true love. We know this because Saba has a magical heartstone that tells her so. They exchanged like 4 words once and she just KNEW that there was something special about him. Love at first sight.

See, I absolutely detest love at first sight stories because it feels like such a cop out on developing an actual relationship. Yes you can have chemistry on a first meeting, but it better be shown not told, and not some crap like, oh my magical heartstone is acting up, guess it’s true love! I love watching a relationship build and grow over the course of a story, not be told right from the start that they’re destined and that is that. It’s boring, where’s the suspense?

 So Saba eventually escapes the cage fighting with the help of these awesome thief-women, and finds that Jack might know the way to where her brother is being held, so she decides to travel with him, and they fight the whole. Effing. Way.  See by this time in the book they’ve known each other for a whole 6 hours, and Saba is head over heels for this complete stranger, but she cannot express her feelings, so she fights with him instead. And that amazing cage fighter we knew a few chapters before? Yeah reduced to a lovesick moron. And that interesting Cagemaster and mysterious guard? Never seen or mentioned in the book again. And the guy Jack is an ass! Saba tries to leave her nine year old sister in some capable hands while she goes to where her brother is, because where her brother is is very dangerous and she could be killed. But Jack decides they should take her little sister with them, against Saba’s wishes, and lo and behold the small girl is nothing but a hindrance, she breaks their telescope and loses her horse. Brilliant bringing the nine year old girl with them to battle!

I quit when Saba gets caught in a flash flood and as she’s floating down the river alone she isn’t thinking “Holy poops I’m gonna die!” she’s thinking. “Oh, Jack, Jack! The guy I’ve known all of two days! You’re so hot! Oh and save me.” I’m going to try to keep reading it, for the sake of that amazing first half, but I’ve already dove into another book, so I might not. Still, it’s one thing for a book to suck from the start, you know what you’re in for, but it’s worse when it just sucks you in and then severely disappoints you. And shows that one crappy character can ruin a perfectly good book.

Ever had a friend that you did like, but they did something to piss you off, and now they won’t stop following you around because they’re clingy and lonely or something, but you don’t want to hurt their feelings, but still you think of just burying them in the backyard and being done with it, (Kidding) and now you’re just hiding at home trying to avoid them until they can stop being a clingy bitch. It’s one of those days.

Apparently you can meet some interesting people on the Greyhound, as my fiancé Daniel found out on his bus ride to visit me. Between Prince George and Edmonton he chatted with a young girl about our age. After they talked a bit the subject got onto work and Daniel told her where he worked, Canadian Tire, the girl asked if he also worked with an old acquaintance of hers that had since moved away, a girl named Aimy, and Daniel agreed that he had.

“Wait, you said your name was Daniel? How many Daniels work at Canadian Tire?” The girl asked.

“Just me,” Daniel responded.

“Oh, then you must have been the guy she said she was sleeping with!”

“She said WHAT?” Was about Daniel’s response, and he repressed a shudder as he retold the story to me.

Aimy was a squat, round girl with a slight mental instability. Aimy often spoke of strange things, like explaining to Daniel about what her favourite brands of tampons were. She would go through fazes of wearing mass amounts of makeup, fake lashes, the works, caked on without skill, and then later put nothing on her face but soap and water. She was obviously very attached to Daniel. When he went to the break room at work she would hover near the entrance and corner him with conversation when he came out, then follow him around like some lost puppy. Daniel, in return, was polite and friendly. When I was in the break room with her she would stare at me with her wide grey eyes while she chewed on her chef Boyardee ravioli, happy to chime in whenever the conversation swayed to Daniel, which was a little discomforting, but otherwise I found her harmless.

“Well I hope that was a lie, if you were going to cheat on me I would hope it would be with a woman with a little more… quality,” I said.

“Of course it was a lie! Why would I risk losing you over some crazy girl I don’t even like?” He countered.

“Also, cheating with someone we both work with whom is a bit off her rocker probably isn’t the best choice for keeping a secret affair with.”

“Plus she’s damn ugly!” A mean thing for him to say, but so was telling everyone you were sleeping with someone you weren’t, so I giggled a little.

So he had to explain to the girl on the bus that he wouldn’t ever touch her with a ten foot pole, let alone his penis, and the girl laughed and agreed Aimy was a little off. Then the bus girl told Daniel he was “pretty hot” and offered him sexual favours on the back of the bus, while her baby slept soundly in the seat beside her. Daniel politely declined, but I have to wonder, what is so damned hot about my fiancé that girls want him so bad that they’ll pretend that they’re having sex? Is he that amazing? I mean I love him, but, really?

Maybe I should, like, use this blog or something. BLARGLEARGLEBLAH!